Self Worth

We all have intrinsic worth. All of creation is a manifestation of the energy and the intelligence of Spirit, of God. Everything has value. You have value. You know this and you act on your own behalf. You don’t act on your own behalf as well as you would like, but then, who does. I certainly don’t. We struggle with knowing and not knowing our own value.

We have nothing to do that is more important than taking care of ourselves, but we don’t. So then the question is not, “do I have value?” but “why do I devalue myself?”

If something of no worth gets damaged it is no big deal. If something we value very much gets damaged it causes us anguish. Thus we can protect ourselves from anguish by making sure the things we value aren’t harmed. If we can’t protect things from harm, then all we can do is to not value them. The devaluation of ourselves comes from our awareness that we can’t protect ourselves from harm. We will protect our feelings by not caring.

Except that we do care. We each know that we have value. So we construct a barrier between our caring and our awareness. We each have a part named “I don’t care” who simply says, “whatever” whenever hurtful things happen so that we don’t hurt. We can’t allow ourselves to value ourselves because then the hurt would be too great.

It is hard to talk “I don’t care” out of devaluing ourselves because then we would be flooded with hurt and we are afraid we will be overwhelmed. We are afraid the hurt would never stop. The paradox here is that, while the hurt will never stop, the hurt becomes less overwhelming when we allow ourselves to feel it. It is the flinch, the constriction in the face of the hurt which causes us to tense up, and so the blow does more harm. When we learn to trust that “it is just a feeling” and we can feel our way through it, then we can relax and, like the drunk in the car crash, fare better by being limp.

Once we know that we are resilient and that this hurt will not harm us, and might even make us stronger, then we can allow ourselves to more and more fully know our own worth, our own value. It is our confidence in our own competence to care for ourselves emotionally that allows us ultimately to know fully how beloved we are.

Using Discipline #5 – Who holds the tool?

I want to try to look more closely at what is going on with us when we have an impulse to do things which are not in our own long term best interest and we can’t seem to stem the self harming behavior. While this may apply to dramatically self-harming behavior like cutting, it is pretty much true for all of us that there are things we do we wish we didn’t do or things we don’t do we wish we did. These can be things like;

• I eat when I’m not hungry.
• I smoke cigarettes even when I know how harmful they are to me.
• I criticize myself mercilessly when I make small and insignificant mistakes.
• I don’t check my bank balance when I am afraid I may bounce a check.

These all have in common that;

1. I Observe that I am failing to act in a way that is in my best interest,
2. Determine for myself what a better course of action would be a resolve to behave that way,
3. And then don’t.

What we typically do then is to try to summon enough “will power” to make ourselves do what we resist doing, or to stop ourselves from being so “impulsive.” This sometimes works, but typically it is not effective for the biggest issues in our lives. So let’s look more closely at how we might map this out with the use of a Fifth Order perspective of Self.

One part of me is the part which observes the behavior which it labels as impulsive and harmful and it resolves to try to stop that behavior. This part is a manager which is trying to do what it believes is in my best interest. This part will notice when I am about to eat something which is not nutritious or at a time when I am already well fed. It will see me reaching for a cigarette or criticizing myself. It will wonder about my bank balance and resolve to check it. This is a part that easily comes into my conscious awareness.

There is another part of me which is eating junk food when I am already full, lighting cigarettes, belittling me, or “forgetting” to check my bank balance. This aspect of my interior being is much harder to find. But at least I know where to find it. It will show up when I am around food, cigarettes, mistakes, and whenever I resolve to call the bank. So I can wait to ambush it.

Even if I can get hold of that part…what do I do with it? I had a client many years ago who told a whole series of sayings about relating to pigs. One I remember well was, “Never try to wrestle with a pig. You will both get dirty…and the pig will enjoy it.” I have come to think of the activity of finding the impulsive part and wrestling it into submission as a kind of pig wrestling. I may be able to dominate the pig in the short run, but it will come to the fore sooner or later. These impulsive parts can paradoxically be very patient.

There is another part, a third part of us, which is often very subtle, almost as though it were hiding in the shadows, which plays an important role in this internal drama. It is the part which gives permission and encouragement to the impulsive part.

As we get more and more parts into play here it will help to give them names so we can keep straight which one we are talking about. It is always a bit problematic to name parts which are conflicted because the names they give themselves are often very different from the names the other parts give them. So let’s try to not be too distracted by the names I will give them. I will refer to the part which sees the behavior as harmful and tries to alter it as the Manager. And I will refer to the impulsive part as the Pig. And the one who gives encouragement and permission to the Pig as the Coach.

When we first get a sense of the Coach it may appear to just be an aspect of the Pig itself, but as we watch for it we generally discover that the Pig is just an appetite of some kind, not generally very mature, but the Coach can be quite alert and even compassionate. It may say, “Wow, you are really stressed! You should take care of yourself. How about a cigarette?” Or it may say, “If you check your bank balance you are just going to get alarmed and it isn’t like there is anything you can do about it. Just forget it.”

The Coach is aware of things we need which are not so immediately apparent. If we could be more conscious of those needs we could then find ways to act to meet those needs in a more robust way. Cigarettes may ease the symptoms of the stress, but if we knew what was causing the stress, and put the energy into addressing the stressors, then we wouldn’t feel the need to smoke. So we would do well to be able to hear from the Coach about what the Coach knows about our more subtle needs.

The Coach stays in the shadows. The Coach is not likely to just come forward and tell all. The Coach has seen the way Manager relates to Pig and, while Pig is resilient and even enjoys a good fight, the Coach doesn’t want to be vulnerable to getting pummeled by the Manager. Coach would have to know that Manager was genuinely curious about what Coach knows and would respect that Coach is also trying to act in a manner that is best for the whole system.

To Manager, Coach is a shadowy figure that is inciting harmful behavior. Coach is responsible for great harm and must be rooted out and exiled from the system. Manager isn’t likely to sit down for tea with Coach. Manager will have to become able to see that Coach is actually a potential ally and that, if they can learn to work together, they can both promote the wellbeing of the whole internal system.

Manager is trying to stop Pig from digging up the vegetable garden and sees Coach as opening the gate. Coach sees Manager as trying to starve Pig and is just trying to get Pig what it needs. The wellbeing of the whole garden will depend on Manager and Coach working together to protect the plants while keeping Pig fed. Who can help Manager and Coach learn to work together? That would be the Self at Sixth Order.

The Sixth Order Self is able to step back from all of the parts and observe them as equal partners in constructing our awareness and our capacities to respond to various circumstances. Indeed, it is this stepping back and observing which constructs the Sixth Order awareness. And it is from this perspective that the healing can occur.

When we use Discipline #5 to address our needs for Self-Care, it is essential that we let the Sixth Order Self hold the tool and not let the Manager have control of it. Manager will be tempted to use it to put a harness on Pig and drive Coach further into the shadows. But Self will use it to acknowledge Manager and appreciate Manager’s wisdom and care for the system, will observe Pig’s appetites and be curious with Coach about what it is that Coach sees as the deeper needs which must be addressed to find a fuller sense of wellbeing.